From mainlining Ariana Grande to scouting a new internet crush, 5 steps to follow once you've evicted Shrek from your swamp

Breakups are hard, but breakups during a worldwide pandemic when you can’t leave your house are way worse. When the quarantine began, I was trapped in an on-again, off-again relationshit with a guy I can only describe as a fuckboy who looks like Shrek (but without the green). Initially, I thought I was lucky to have someone to be with during this crazy time. But realistically I was blinded by the Instagram happiness of the Elite (people in relationships).

As the quarantine wore on, I lost all my daily distractions, leaving just me and this shitty dude. When you spend 24/7 with someone their flaws become inescapably apparent. I realized I didn’t actually vibe with him in the way I thought I did. I was not dating Prince Charming, I was dating Shrek (but like a less fun version).

It turns out I was projecting happiness onto a dying relationship because as the world was falling apart, and I was clinging to the one last comfort I had, like my childhood teddy bear I didn’t want to leave at home when I left for college.

I no longer could be distracted by my commute, social gatherings, or even my daily errands and was faced with my partner’s true form, and unfortunately, that person was just not for me. Turns out I’m more into the type of person who won’t show up drunk and two hours late to date night and won’t pick his nose and wipe it on my couch. So I dumped him, in the middle of a global pandemic, and ladies, it wasn’t easy but it was the best thing I could have done.

Here are my tips on how to break up during a pandemic without breaking down:

1. Block Them.

I know you don’t want to. I know it ended on “good terms” and you can just “mute” them and not have to worry about it. But I did that for a while and kept going back to him. Blocking is like refusing to walk past the ice cream store when you’re on a diet, it’s a longer route but eventually, you’ll forget that it’s there. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings, this isn’t about them anymore, you have to do this for yourself, and during a pandemic when we’re constantly on our phones, this is the only medicine for heartbreak. Do not speak to them either. Out of sight out of mind doesn’t work overnight, but it eventually gets the job done, trust me.

2. Make a list of everything they did that hurt you and their bad qualities.

This seems evil, but I promise it’s not. My friend Rachel told me to do this, and she’s literally an angel so don’t feel bad about doing this. Making this list will help you remember why things had to end so even if you do have that moment of weakness you can force yourself to look at that list so you don’t forget why it’s over (but I recommend reading it everyday). There are real reasons it ended and you just can’t afford to forget them. PRO TIP: Do not make a list of your flaws – YOU are perfect and would never clip your toenails on my new couch while eating all my freshly washed cherries not leaving a single one for me.

3) Focus on yourself and your personal goals.

Figure out what makes you happy, what things you want to happen in your life, and really think about who you want as a partner in life. You don’t want to make the same mistake of dating the same kind of person over and over again (like I did) so take a moment of self-reflection to really figure yourself out. Making these goals will help distract you and motivate you to not blast Celine Dion and obsessively watch his new girlfriend’s TikToks while drafting passive-aggressive subtweets (he knows it’s about him, they’re always about him).

4) Listen to Ariana Grande, every single day.

I played Thank U, Next about 500 times when I broke up with Shrek, and it honestly gave me that power I was looking for. I made a playlist of the best breakup songs and would blast them when I woke up every morning. I found that the nights were fine because I could distract myself with a good book or show, but waking up without my good morning text started to get to me. So I blasted music and now I look forward to that. Because no good morning text will compare to Ariana, and that’s a fact.

5) Distract yourself with new virtual crushes.

Dealing with a break-up during a weird time, while also not being able to run away or distract yourself like you normally would is hard. So, having a new crush will ignite the flame inside you and keep you going through hard times. They don’t even need to be realistic, I re-ignited my childhood crush of Nick Jonas and I had a blast. Your crush can be anyone from a Twitter personality (me, please let it be me) to the hormone monster in Big Mouth. Have a crush on a TV show, Tinder match, old friend, or even your plants! The great thing about crushes is that no one needs to know about them, but if it is me, please let me know.