Michael the III recaps the 5 trends you missed at London Fashion Week

Homosexual daywear, nude delusion, and step-daughter jeans all made an appearance, although you may not have noticed.

If you missed out London Fashion Week this year, I feel sorry for you. Oh, stop making excuses. You could have been there. All you needed was an invitation and if you couldn’t achieve that, there is always hovering outside venues hoping to be snapped by street-style photographers, isn’t there? Sure, it’s not exactly cheap in a city like London, but what else are you going to do with three-months’ rent and a couple of quarters? I do feel for you, nevertheless, and as I am ever charitable, valuing truth and transparency above all else, I have compiled a list of London Fashion Week’s hottest trends. No longer will you be forced to wear cerulean from a Bargain Bin. Here are the trends to follow:


As LGBTQ+ issues are thrust into the light, so too are their fashions. Last season we saw screen-printed Sapphic Tees take their place on the runway, with several London designers presenting quotes from the ancient writer from Lesbos atop t-shirts, jackets, and totes. Kristen Stewart cemented the trend when she donned a Sappho quote painted onto a Burberry jacket at the London premiere of her comedy, That’s Not a Koons! That’s My Wife. This year, expect it all to get even gayer, as designers sent models down catwalks in clothing fit for the cruise—both land and sea. Newcomer Killian Griggs’s vision of the 2019 queer bride was one who wears a patchwork of cotton bandanas, each representing the sexual fetishes of the rainbow. We’ll see increased versatility too, as pants become tops and shirts become bottoms. It’s safe to say that gay-by-day fashion is here to stay, as proven by the widely successful TwinkerBell pop-up held at the popular Peckham hotspot, the Bussey Building, where models had their hair bleached to Pride-ready shades of platinum blonde while DJs spun the early works of Ariana Grande.


At after-parties scattered across London, I spoke to distressed jeans of all ages and demographics. Levi, aged 19, cites textile industry waste and an ever-warming planet as a major source of his worries. Wrangler, age three, says politics keeps him blue. A pair of frayed denim shorts couldn’t even get her words out; she was cut-off by tears.


You might be already familiar with the term “nude illusion”—a style involving fabric matched to your skin tone so you may appear naked, modestly. This season, designers are elevating the concept by printing butts onto the back of pants, breasts on blouses, and genitalia hanging from slouchy leather belts.


Fashion can be so specific; what you wear to work may not be best for getting impregnated after work. This fashion week, a trio of Swiss-born designers known in England as “The Wee Musketeers” have sought a more neutral, multi-functional approach to dressing, making it big in beiges, greys, and even rust for special occasions.


We saw “mom jeans.” We wore “dad jeans.” Boyfriend sweaters had their time and then became ex-boyfriend sweaters. The newest trend in familial fashion started in Manchester but has head south to London, where designers have finally taken note. You’ll know a step-daughter jean when you see it. They’re the ones screaming threateningly, “I’m telling Daddy!” Generally, they come in low-rise styles, but it’s not the cut that defines them; it’s the fit. They’re too tight, cramped, and altogether uncomfortable. Step-daughter jeans will be hot next fall.


As YouTubers become models, and models become YouTubers, we’ve seen a heyday of beauty standards all over the world. But in a city known for its rebellious spirit, designers at The Strand are pushing back. Sai Patel, reigning designer of edgy fashion house King Victoria (and my former lover who at the time of publishing has not returned my calls), has flipped the bird to tradition by flipping a coin to decide whether or not a model gets sent to hair and makeup.

Elsewhere, Sir Clyde Von George’s eponymous punk label went back to basics. He employed legendary Welsh make-up artist Adara Davies and a team of pre-schoolers who decorated models’ faces with scented Crayola markers. In service of hair, the child workforce attached bits of paper, pasta and glitter to models’ scalps using PVA glue. But if this doesn’t suit your fancy, there’s always the comparatively traditional makeup of Vivienne Westwood or McQueen, for which by now there is probably already a YouTube tutorial.


As designers circle ever closer to referencing the mid-to-late 2000s, a stylistic period so bleak not even Rihanna looked good, we are seeing the emergence of “newstalgia”: the wistful yearning for what we have right now. It’s also incredibly good for the environment.


If athleisure makes you appear sportier than you are, then clubwear makes you appear cooler, more fun, and perhaps slightly drunk. Count on the conceptual styles of the London club scene becoming the norm in the second half of the year.


Slithering down runways and down London streets is snakeskin. I know what you’re thinking: We saw this just last season. Well, that’s “newstalgia” for you! This time around they are sold as 100 percent vegan—Fakeskin, if you will. Pythons, anacondas, and rattlesnakes around the world are hissing a sigh of relief.


In 2018, Scottish scientist Irma Scam discovered what has been described as “the last color.” Invisible to the human eye for all of human history, the new color has been described as “the single most magnificent color I have ever seen in my life,” by HRH Queen Elizabeth II, and “really cool and really urban,” by HRH Britney Spears. Unsurprisingly, it’s the color of the season, popping up in the hats, footwear, jackets, and pants of at least 12major collections. However for the present, it is likely to remain a luxury unattainable for all but the one percent. In order to view “the last color,” one must be fitted with expensive holographic lenses whose technology does not go on the market for another few years, otherwise “the last color” appears exactly as black. Like most fashion, you’ll simply have to believe it’s worth it.